The Selfish Mom

"You can do whatever you want", followed by, "Why are you so upset?" were the last things my husband said to me last night as I walked up the stairs in tears.

Whatever I want.

The truth is, I wanted to sleep.  I was tired utterly exhausted and still battling a rough cold.   I wanted to get the laundry and dishes done.  I wanted to mop the floors.  I wanted to get things done so that I could actually rest when I got a spare minute.  Ha!  Like that will ever happen.  I've been wanting to get my hair cut for weeks or a pedicure for months.  Maybe I could finish Korban's nursery bedding before she's a toddler.  You get my point.

I put Korban down in her crib, only for her to wake up minutes later for a feeding.  She must be able to hear my head hit the pillow.  I listened to Eden cough like crazy while I nursed Korban and debated whether I should make a 1am Walgreens run for some cough meds or not (do they have that for kids under 2 anyway?).

Once Korban was back down, I walked in the living room to find Brian passed out on the couch with the TV on.  He was doing what he wanted... what I wanted.

I decided that prayer might be just as effective as meds and laid awake in bed praying for Eden to feel better, praying for me to feel better so I could be a good mom, and praying that I wouldn't harvest bitterness toward my husband who just wasn't on the same page right now.

I realized the selfish mom is no mom at all.  The needs of your family become your own needs.  It didn't matter how badly I wanted or even needed some rest, I would lay in bed and listen for coughs and cries.  In fact, all I've ever really wanted was wrapped up in those coughs, cries, and up all nights.  The need to be a mom.

Tonight, though, some sleep would be nice.